


To Fly Away

by TGP



Series: Free Will [3]
Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Angels are Dicks, Angst, Body snatching, Existentialism, Family Feels, Lilith is terrifying, M/M, Misato is a tsundere mommy, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-12
Updated: 2013-10-04
Packaged: 2017-12-08 06:49:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/758343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TGP/pseuds/TGP
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tabris is a memory Kaworu would like to shelve, but life has other plans. </p><p>Sequel to Maybe</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Screaming In My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this was supposed to be a oneshot. It had a different idea. So, here's part one.

The nice thing about wings, Kaworu had found, is that they make for good shade when he works. They also make for good fans as the stench of the latrine gets heavy in the heat when it's time for clean up.

Shinji and Toji are off doing a supply run and Asuka is helping Misato with the distillery, so Kaworu had been stuck with the job. He doesn't begrudge them. Much. At least he gets the job done as quickly as he can and that gives him full reason to go play around in the lake.

Swimming is out of the question as he’s found soaked feathers to be an absolute nightmare. Might be worth it to have Shinji help him preen his feathers. It's so much easier with another person, since Kaworu isn't quite able to get to the base feathers. And it's nice, feeling Shinji’s fingers smoothing out his feathers and carefully settling them back in place. So far, Shinji hasn't noticed the shivers his touch elicited, a fact that Kaworu is quite glad for.

The weeks since their appearance have made his wings less of a novelty and feared object and more of something the others simply accept at some hindrance. That the wings are mostly useless seemed to comfort them, even if Kaworu now watches birds with the same frequency he’d used to watch the stars.

But… It's better not to. Even if he dreams about flying.

By the time Kaworu finishes, he’s managed to distract himself from the yearning to fly. He heads over to the lake and washes his hands and arms. His clothes are a spare set that they’d unanimously dubbed the cleaning outfit and while it, too, gets cleaned, none of them wore it longer than the job needed. He strips out of it, washing carefully so that he doesn't stink for the rest of the day, and then heads to the house to get dressed.

The others wouldn’t be around for a few hours yet, so Kaworu settles himself down on the bank of the lake with a blanket under him and turns to watch the sky. Soft clouds waft through the blue with a few birds enjoying the warm light. Kaworu follows every arch and swoop of large hawks, watches two doves twirl about each other… His wings shift, feathers aligning as they mimicked the motions they might have used to do the same. He barely notices his wings raising and falling just a little.

He wants to be up there. With everything he is and everything inside him, he wants to fly. He had once, when he was still an angel, but this half form is useless. The crushing disappointment of being grounded weighs inside him, real and heavy.

And then a flash of energy catches him short. His heart seizes a moment as a shudder rolled down the length of his back, his wings flaring to full length. Kaworu can't breathe. His eyes snap wide as he jerks around, looking everywhere around him but no one is there. Lifting a hand to his chest, right over his heart, he feels it pounding underneath

 _He’d felt Lilith._ For a split second, he had felt her as clear as day. Kaworu is overcome with a sudden nausea, horror rippling through him. That… that isn't possible. They had promised to leave him be. They had promised to forget him.

His fingers tighten over his heart, digging painfully into his skin. The pain is real, helps him focus, and slowly, he starts getting back control of himself. Whatever it had been, Lilith or not, it's gone now. Kaworu shakily gets to his feet and stumbles into the house as a great feeling of vulnerability rears up within him. He wants to think he’s just imagined it but his hands shake as he pulls the door shut behind him. Just barely does he curb the urge to put something heavy in front of it. Kaworu sits down on his bunk and closes his eyes, trying to feel out what it might have been.

There is no sign of Lilith to his senses and nothing angelic in the least. The world is as quiet as ever, going on as if nothing had ever happened. Kaworu opens his eyes and stares at his hands.

Had they decided to come for him after all? The thought chills him. He’d been so happy these last months, free to enjoy this life and Shinji’s companionship. Even the others being around makes him happy. He doesn't want to lose it. Kaworu closes his eyes tightly and his wings wrap around to form a feathery cocoon that feels a lot safer than it actually is.

He can't lose this.

By the time the others return, Kaworu has composed himself and gotten a simple evening meal ready. They sit around the cook fire, sharing the story of their day and teasing Kaworu for his allotted duties. He laughs and jokes with them, but his thoughts continue to turn back onto what has happened. Maybe it had been a fluke. Maybe it wouldn’t happen again. Maybe if he hopes hard enough…

As they head to bed, Kaworu feels Shinji’s gaze follow him but he says nothing.

The next day, he and Toji continue work on the house now that they have more building materials. It's a work in process, slowly fashioning the shack into something stable. Thankfully, they hadn’t had any bad weather, though every rain shower drips cold water through holes in the makeshift roof. They’d gotten the walls mostly reinforced, tearing them down in sections and rebuilding better and stronger. Toji has an eye for construction.

The two of them climb up onto the roof. Toji trudges along the bulk of it, noting soft spots and anything that doesn't feel steady. He has Kaworu drag up supplies as he gets to work. Kaworu doesn't mind being an extra. He doesn't know much about buildings in general and there is a strange security in having someone else giving the orders.

He's at the top of the ladder when he feels the pulse of Lilith again, so strongly that she seems right behind him. Kaworu jerks, letting out a strangled noise as his body goes to immediate panic, his wings flaring. Thrown off balance, he starts to fall but he can't save himself, not when she's _here_ -

A strong hand grabs hold of Kaworu’s shoulder and drags him back up onto the roof. He barely notices it, body curling up as if there's some way to ward off _her_ , to run from _her_. He feels hands shoving his wings away but he needs to hide and his feathers are all he has-

“Damn it, man, _breathe!_ ”

Pain streaks across his face. Kaworu’s eyes snap open and he stares up at Toji. The other boy looks at him like he's crazy, hand still raised from slapping him. There are bits of feather in his short hair from the tussle. Kaworu lays half on his back with one wing wedged uncomfortably under him, the other arched over the both of them.

“What the hell was that?” Toji snarls at him but Kaworu can see it's more worry than anger.

“Nothing,” Kaworu murmures even though his heart is still hammering away in his chest.

Toji narrows his eyes. He helps Kaworu sit up but then catches hold of his shoulder as he leans in close.

“That wasn’t nothing,” he says in a lower voice, brows furrowed. “You looked like you saw a ghost.”

It feels like that. Even now, when the presence was gone, Kaworu feels as if he's being haunted by her. The pull of her had been so strong for a single moment, stronger than Adam had ever been. He doesn't know how to describe it and he is suddenly terrified that if he tries, if he reveals what he’s been feeling, the others would drive him away.

He’d have to leave Shinji.

“Please,” he finds himself whispering. “Please don’t.”

Toji says nothing. He stares back at Kaworu, searching his face. Then he lets out a harsh noise and lets go. Getting up, Toji hooks his hands into his back pockets and looks out over the roof.

“…Swooning like a damn girl. You know, I’m gonna tease you ‘til you die.”

Kaworu nearly faints with relief and feels a swell of affection for him. Then they get back to work, but Toji keeps an eye on him for the rest of the day, just in case something happens again. It doesn't, but Toji watches him the next day as well until he and Shinji leave on a trip to the other settlement. Shinji usually goes on these trips because the others always react to him with an overwhelming awe and tend to give him what he wants. Kaworu, himself, hasn't been back there.

Hanging around Asuka is always a little odd. She varies between quiet contemplation and a manic energy he can't keep up with. Lately, they’ve been trying to garden. Toji found a bucket full of vegetable seeds on one of the romps out and while none of them have much experience growing food, it seems like a good idea to try. Kaworu and Asuka hunker down to pull weeds but to be perfectly honest, neither of them are familiar enough with plants to know what's a weed and what isn't. They try their best to only pull grass, because that is recognizable enough.

Halfway in the field, Kaworu feels Lilith and this time it is so powerful that it overwhelms him. He wakes to Asuka over him, one hand curled around his neck and the other drawn back for a punch. She straddles his belly and his cheek stings already with a strike he hadn’t notice.

“Asuka-” he tries and she hits him again, knocking his head sharply and stunning him.

“Sheep,” she hisses back at him. “Sheep, sheep, sheep, I can smell you in sheep’s clothing. _I can feel you staring out!_ ”

Kaworu tries to ward her off but his motions are sluggish and his head spinning. His heart pounds with panic as her fist glances off his forearm but he can't help wondering if he deserves this. Lilith’s stain in his mind is powerful even as it fades and maybe Asuka can beat it out of him.

Whether or not she can isn't an issue when Misato emerges from the distillery. She drags Asuka off of him, snarling for her to calm down as Asuka fights in a blind rage.

Kaworu gets himself up, a hand over his bleeding mouth. He folds his wings as tight to his back as he could, tries to pretend he isn't inhuman, but Misato has to pull Asuka into the house to keep her from attacking him again.

It isn't going away. The realization hits him like a brick. Lilith isn't going away. She’d broken the promise. She's coming for him. Kaworu doesn't know what to do. Misato comes to him once she’d calmed Asuka and tends to his face, but he can't answer her questions. He doesn't know how to explain to her and the utter shame at his gullibility steals his words.

How could he ever really believe they would let him go? What did they care of promises? But he had believed them. He had believed and now he knows better. Lilith is coming for him.

Kaworu climbs up onto the roof and hugs his knees to his chest as he watches the sky until sunset. He doesn't come down for the meal, nor even when it becomes too dark to see. At least Shinji isn't here tonight. The journey to the other camp takes a full day there and another back. It would be late tomorrow before Shinji came back and found out just how stupidly trusting Kaworu had been.

He's going to lose everything. The peace, the happiness, his friends, his home, _Shinji…_ He's going to lose it all because he had been too stupid to know not to get attached.

If his hundreds of lives had taught him anything, it should have been that he would never get what he wanted. Kaworu drops his head against his knees and closes his eyes tightly. They're going to come for him and he will die for real this time. No coming back, no hundredth try. For the first time, Kaworu actually fears what will happen to him because this isn't death. He will continue to exist in the agony of loss until the others pick him apart and absorb him into themselves. Until everything that had been _him_ , both Nagisa Kaworu and Tabris, fades.

He feels terrified.

Kaworu sits in the protective shell of his feathers long into the night. At some point, he hears someone coming up the ladder and lifts his head. Misato’s head pops up over the edge of the roof. She gives him a glance over, then rolls her eyes and drags herself up to sprawl next to him.

“Care to explain now?” she asks as she leans back on her arms, her gaze sliding to the stars above them. When Kaworu doesn't immediately answer, her voice softens, “She’s settled down. I just want to know what set her off.”

He doesn't want to tell her. With everything he is, Kaworu doesn't want to tell her. He wants to hold onto this for as long as he can.

“She said she smelled angels,” Misato murmurs and Kaworu closes his eyes again.

“I felt her,” he admits so softly that he's surprised she can hear him. “Lilith.”

Misato sits still and quiet for a split second. Then the soldier replaces her. “ _Where_.”

“Inside me.” He curls a hand against his chest. “Around me and inside me and I thought it would go away if I didn’t-”

“This has happened _before?!_ ” Misato glares at him, grabbing his shoulder in a tight grip. “How long has this been going on?”

Kaworu swallows thickly. “A few days.”

“And you didn’t think to tell me?! Damn it, I’m suppose to be your guardian, you idiot! I’m the adult around here. What is it with you kids and being unable to rely on anyone?”

Kaworu feels a strange chastisement. He ducks his head, unwilling to look at her. Misato lets out a hissed breath and rubs her temples. She looks at him, then the sky, then rolls her eyes because this is absolutely ridiculous.

“I’m not mad at you,” she mutters. “Well, I am, but I’m not going to hurt you. Just… _Tell me_ when things like this happen. I’m supposed to be looking out for you, idiot.”

He nods, his throat suddenly too tight to respond. They sit quietly for a little while as Kaworu tries to cobble his self control back together. He feels so off base, thrown for a loop with the way Misato sees him. It's rare that adults cared for him, even in lives when he’d had parents, and she has never filled that role for him before.

“What do you think it means?” she asks finally.

“They’re coming for me,” Kaworu murmurs. He tightens his arms around his knees. “They lied to me and I let myself believe them. I should have known when they left these wings on me…”

Misato sighs a little. “Kid, humans make mistakes-”

“I’m not human.” Kaworu gets to his feet. He stares down at her and lets his wings spread out as far as they will go. “How can you look at me and think I’m human?”

“You’re not an angel, either,” she points out, unimpressed. Kaworu frowns at her. He doesn't see the difference that makee. Sitting up a bit, she gives him a bland look. “They don’t have a claim on you anymore. You’re ours, kid. We’re not letting you go.”

“The Evas are gone,” Kaworu reminds her quietly. “You can’t fight them anymore.”

Misato snorts and grins like a reaper. “Just watch me.”


	2. Ripping The Wings of Angels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait!

Kaworu stays away from the camp when Misato tells Shinji. Despite her reassurances and his knowledge of Shinji’s infinite kindness, Kaworu can't be there. He can't watch the realization flow over Shinji that Kaworu han't been saved and that he will be most likely taken up by a force too great for them to fight.

Kaworu doesn't want to see his defeat.

However, when Kaworu wanders back to camp with a full rucksack of berries and fruit he’s managed to scavenge, Shinji is waiting for him. The others had retreated into the house, since it's rather late and they have to ration any sort of fire making materials. Shinji stands at the edge of the camp, moonlight fluttering over his dark hair. His features are shifted in the soft light, older and distant. Kaworu finds himself coming up a few feet short of him and unable to get closer.

“Shinji,” he murmurs softly but there isn't an answer. For a moment, Kaworu is terrified Shinji might be angry with him, might be rejecting him right here and now. “I-”

“I’m not losing you,” Shinji tells him with a strength Kaworu didn't expect. His eyes blaze and even in the low light, Kaworu can see conviction across his features. Shinji closes the distance and grabs Kaworu’s hand tight. “They can’t have you back.”

Kaworu swallows thickly. He looks at their hands and then the steely resolve in Shinji’s face. Rejecting Instrumentality had shown Shinji the strength he’d had inside but it's rare for him to show it. And that he would pull at that uncomfortable strength for _him_ …

“I’ll fight them,” Kaworu says softly and Shinji nods, tugging his hand to pull him back towards the house to rest.

The next pulse doesn't startle him so much as ram into him like a truck. Kaworu gasps as the world disappears in a flash of white. He feels nothing but the overwhelming light of Lilith surrounding him, sinking into him until he isn't even sure he’d really existed at all.

A form begins to solidify before him, made up of light. She reaches out a hand, calling his name in a voice familiar and so very sweet that he almost starts to reach for her. Her fingers nearly touch his face-

Kaworu awakes on the ground, heart racing painfully fast. Shinji is leaned over him, hands curled tight in Kaworu’s shirt and face terrified. As soon as he realizes Kaworu sees him, Shinji drags him up tight into his arms. All Kaworu can do is hold onto him tight, his entire body trembling. He can still feel the echo of her inside of him, like some kind of sickness he can't quite shake.

“Don’t let go,” he whispers and barely recognizes the harsh sound of his own voice.

Shinji holds on tighter. “They can’t have you. They _can’t_.”

Eventually, the two of them manage to drag themselves off the ground and stumble back to the house, but Shinji holds Kaworu’s hand tight and refuses to release it. They fall upon their pushed together cots, huddling under the sheets with their limbs wound tight around each other.

Even when Shinji drifts off to sleep, Kaworu can't. The image of _her_ reaching for him is burned in his eyes; the sound of _her_ voice pounds in his ears. He hates her. He hates her so very much. Kaworu curls his fingers tighter around Shinji's sleeping form. He doesn't want to lose this. He doesn't want to go.

_But what will happen if he refuses her?_

With his head tucked against Shinji's throat, Kaworu can feel his steady heartbeat against his cheek. He has died so many times for Shinji, died to keep him safe and alive and happy but he doesn't want to die anymore. He doesn't want to give up what he has fought so hard to keep.

Kaworu wants to _live_ for Shinji... and he wants to live for _himself_.

When dawn breaks, Kaworu still hasn't slept but he gets up anyway. There is work to be done and a garden to keep and a million other little things to hold his attention. Kaworu tries not to notice the way they're all watching him now. He can feel their gazes like an itch on his skin. He knows it's worry but he can't help feeling like they're waiting for something darker, for him to flip out or turn or maybe even become Lilith. The very idea chills him to the bone.

Today is a foraging day but no one goes. The others are watchful and the tension is so high that Kaworu isn’t surprised by how much bickering Asuka and Toji get into. Misato rails at them like it’ll make any difference and Kaworu just wishes it wasn’t all is fault.

Because it is his fault. He knows that. He accepts it. It’s his fault for believing, for hoping, for being a gullible fool. He hates how easy it had been to accept things.

They’re having a tense lunch when Kawaru is once again surrounded in white light and the feel of Lilith. He tries to fight it even as the warmth soaks bone deep into his body. He finds himself relaxing despite his best efforts and he can hear soft words he doesn’t understand anymore.

As before, a form solidifies before him and he can catch the barest edges of her body. Soft hands reach out and find his cheeks, soothing over his skin. He tries to tell her no, tries to pull away, but he’s paralyzed by the sheer force of her.

_Kaworu_

He hates that she sounds like Rei. He hates her so very much for that single insult to everything Rei had been in all the lives Kaworu lived.

 _No_ , he tells her, desperate to end this. _Don’t do this. I don’t want to go. **I don’t want to go!**_

Her fingers twitch against his face. He sees soft lips form upon a face he can only partially make out. They move over the syllables of his name and he starts to feel sleepy. He starts to feel weak. It’s all he can do to keep his eyes open and then he realizes that she’s sinking into him. She’s taking what he won’t give. Kaworu works open his mouth and screams.

Abruptly, he’s splashed with tepid water and jerks, flailing out against the vestiges of Lilith’s energy. He can hear familiar voices calling for him but he’s terrified. He’s lost.  He can’t stop shaking and he drags his wet, heavy wings around him as if there’s some way to get away from her but he _can’t_. He’s trapped, _trapped_ , and he can’t… He gets his legs under him and he throws out his wings as hands grab at his arms. He shoves them away and sets off at a dead run, flapping as hard as he can. His feet lift off the ground for precious seconds at a time but he can’t get the lift he needs. He can’t fly; he can’t _escape_.

A body collides with his, bigger and bulkier and heavier, and they both go down. Kaworu cries out as one wing is smashed between them and he hears low cursing but he’s so blinded with fear that it sounds like _her_. Everything feels like her and he’s crying so hard that nothing seems real anymore.

Kaworu is wrestled onto his back, pinning his still flailing wings under him. His wrists are encircled by bigger, stronger hands and shoved down against the grass. Kaworu tries to fight anyway. Even when he recognizes Toji’s voice and his short, dark hair, he still fights. Even when Misato’s yelling at him and holding his face; even when Asuka snarls over her shoulder. Even when Shinji holds his hand. Kaworu fights until he’s too tired to think and then he blacks out.

When he wakes up, it’s quiet and he stares at a wide flood of evening light filtering across the floor from the open doorway. Kaworu doesn’t get up. He feels more than sees Shinji sitting on a chair next to him. His pale hand is caught up in Shinji’s darker fingers. Shinji doesn’t notice his state. He’s staring towards the door and his profile is creased with unease. Kaworu follows his gaze to the door and then listens.

Misato’s angry, but he can tell by the hints in her tone that it’s frustration more than anything. Her words are garbled but he catches them here and there. He catches his name. He hears Asuka’s vicious snarls and Toji biting back at her.

This is his fault. He closes his eyes and tightens his fingers over Shinji’s. Immediately, the other boy turns to him. Shinji sags in relief to see him awake.

“Hey,” he says softly and then shifts off his chair, going to his knees by the cot so they’re closer to the same level. It calms Kaworu in a strange way.

“Hey,” he manages to reply. His throat feels like sandpaper and his mouth is dry. His voice sounds vague and abused.

“How are you feeling?”

He isn’t sure. He’s tired and bruised and he feels scraped up inside. He still says, “I’m okay.”

Shinji leans over and brushes his mouth to Kaworu’s cheek. “No you aren’t.”

Kaworu wishes he could disagree.

Eventually, Misato drags Kaworu and Shinji back out to sit around the campfire and eat. Kaworu doesn’t have much of an appetite. His body is sick with tension and his stomach rebels at any intention to fill it. They don’t talk much and after finding his own meal, Shinji reaches over and begins to carefully preen through Kaworu’s feathers. Slowly, as each feather is smoothed back into place, each irritant brushed away, Kaworu starts to calm.

“We need a game plan,” Misato says at last and there’s a bottle of dark liquid in her hand that she takes lengthy draws from. “We can’t just keep waiting for her to strike first.”

Asuka leans forward, her eyes sharp and all predator. “Draw her out in the open. I’ll take her down.”

“How’re we supposed to do that?” Toji points out, lip curled. “ _We_ don’t see her.”

Misato looks at Kaworu. He meets her gaze without flinching, but he’s afraid of what she’s going to ask. He knows what it is and he knows he’ll have to do it if he wants this to stop. And he does want that. He wants it to stop so very badly.

“Can you call her out?” Misato asks.

Kaworu’s voice is caught in his throat. He doesn’t know. He’s pretty sure he could, that she would respond to his call. Before he can answer either way, Shinji is on his feet. His hands are fisted tight and his face turns with anger.

“How could you ask him that?” he snarls. “How could _any_ of you ask him that?”

“What else are we supposed to do?” Toji gets up and Kaworu realizes the line of his jaw is bruising. He wonders if that’s his fault, too. “Look, we either bring her _here_ , or we wait for her to drag him _there_ , wherever there is. I, for one, don’t want to lose that guy!”

Shinji flinches back, surprised by Toji’s vehemence and while the taller boy blushes at his own admission, he isn’t ashamed and he isn’t taking it back.

“Look, it’s risky, yeah, but so’s waiting,” Toji sighed a bit, running a hand back over his hair. “So far, it’s happened once a day, right?  A little closer each time? That means we have until at least tomorrow morning to get ready.”

“He’s right,” Misato murmurs and she gets up and brushes off some dust from her pants. “We need to face this head on. Tomorrow morning, before she calls you, Kaworu, I want you to call _her_. Maybe it’ll give us an edge. If you can drag her here, physically, even better.”

Kaworu nods. He’s terrified but he’s even more scared of living with this fear for the rest of his days, however few there might be. He lets Shinji lead him back to the house because he needs to be fully rested if he wants any chance at making this work. Shinji guides him to bed and then drops in with him, winding their bodies close. Kaworu tucks his head against Shinji’s throat and curls his fingers against his back.

Shinji doesn’t tell him it’ll be okay. He would by lying and Kaworu can feel the faint tremble of his body as Shinji cards his fingers through Kaworu’s hair. He falls into a fitful sleep anyway.

The morning is a solemn one. Even Misato doesn’t try to liven things up. Kaworu refuses breakfast. His stomach is so tightly knotted that he’d never keep anything down. He doesn’t want this. He’s so afraid that his hands won’t stop shaking.

Shinji catches one hand in his. Kaworu watches the faint color rise to his cheeks, the way it always does when he’s affectionate around the others. It’s a nice bit of normalcy and it helps. Kaworu stops shaking. He’s still afraid but he knows Shinji and the others are with him. If there is any way to fight this, any way to free himself, it will be through them. Kaworu closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

Then he calls Lilith.

It happens so fast that Kaworu almost loses hold of himself but they were right. Calling her himself, he’s able to move and when he opens his eyes, he stares right at her form. She’s more solid than last time, her willowy shape familiar and a streak of anger gives him strength. He hates that she’s wearing Rei’s form.

 _Kaworu_ , she greets and her stolen mouth smiles so sweetly as Rei would.

 _I’m not going with you,_ he tells her. _I’m not giving up this life. But you’re coming with **me**_.

She tilts her head and then begins to reach for him. Kaworu ignores the way he wants to flinch from her, how he wants to run away and never return. Instead, he grabs that reaching hand and then stares in horror as her fingers begin to sink into his flesh as before. Kaworu jerks back but she moves with him and her other hand gets hold of his face. He tries to scream but he can’t. He’s paralyzed and she’s sinking deeper into his body. He feels her filling up every space in his body, pressing herself into every crevice, every cell.

In moments that last forever, she’s fully enveloped within him. He can’t move. He can’t speak. He can’t even open his eyes. His hands lift as his head tilts down so he can regard them but Kaworu didn’t move anything.

He’s trapped.

He feels his lips twist into a smile. His eyes close and the suffocating warmth fades. When his eye reopen, they’re standing outside the house with the others surrounding them. His gaze slides to Asuka across from him and watches as she stiffens, her eyes going wide, and she knows. She _knows_.

Asuka’s on him a second later, knocking him to the ground but Lilith doesn’t mind. The ripple of her in his mind is amused and it’s effortless to bring up an AT field to knock Asuka away. She keeps it held as she stands and straightens his body. He can hear Misato swearing and sees Toji holding Shinji back. Shinji’s so pale with terror.

“Oh,” Lilith says with Kaworu’s voice. “She’s not here yet.”

Kaworu doesn’t know what she means. He’s trying to fight her, trying to get back control, but she’s so strong. She’s in every bit of him, holding him at bay. He can feel the way she’s searching, casting out her senses and magnifying them by using his own. He didn’t even realize he could do that.

She’s searching and he feels it the moment she finds what she’s looking for.

“Ah… There she is…” Lilith makes him smile. “Not long, then.”

Then she lets go. Kaworu collapses as his body is suddenly his own. He’s out before he hits the ground.


	3. The Murder Of Giants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long, guys! This one was really hard to write and pace.

Kaworu has never been as afraid as he is now. He stays inside the house as if it might ward off Lilith even though he knows nothing will. Kaworu has been shaking since he woke up. He can't stop thinking about her and the way she'd sunk into his every cell. He is her puppet whenever she likes and there is nothing he can do about it.

He doesn't want to join with her. He doesn't want to give up this life. He wants to grow up and get old and die like any human. He's sick of being a clone and an angel and anything but a person.

He's so very afraid. It fills him to the brim and even curling his wings tight around his body doesn't soothe him at all. He hates the wings as much as he hates Lilith and his hate for her is strong and swift.

Glancing up, he meets Asuka's eyes. She sits on a stool near the door, arms folded as she watches him. He knows she's waiting for him to turn again and has no doubt that this time she might kill him if the others don’t interfere. He almost wants her to, but his heart pounds with terror at the very idea. He doesn't want to die and he has never felt that so strongly as he does now. At the same time, it's almost comforting that she is ready and willing to do what none of the others will. She'll make sure they're safe.

“If you give up, I really will kill you,” Asuka growls out suddenly. He swallows the thick lump in his throat as she narrows her eyes. “You’re not allowed to stop fighting.”

Kaworu doesn’t know what to say to her, how to respond. He stays still as she gets up from the stool and walks towards him. Asuka, in every memory he has of her, is a damaged predator that he has loved for the delicate heart she hides away. He can’t fear her, even now that she is the most damaged he has ever seen, but he has the intimate knowledge that she has and will always do as she feels right. In whatever fragmented fashion she deems necessary.

“You’re not allowed to _run_ , stupid,” she hisses in his face, eyes boring into his own. There is an odd quality to her now, something tightly wound and strained. Something she wants him to notice, wants _anyone_ to notice, but can never ask for. She’s waiting for him to see her, understand her, when he always has. And when she realizes, her shoulders relax and he acknowledges her words.

All he can do is nod. She’s right. He can’t run. There’s no where to run to. All Kaworu can do is meet Lilith head on. All he can do is lose himself.

Asuka glares at him and then straightens, cocking her head to look down her nose at him. She seems to be wavering between disgust and anger, unsure which she feels more of because she does feel both strongly in the maelstrom of her heart. And Kaworu deserves that regard. All of it.

After a few minutes, her lips curl in a sneer before she turns away but she doesn’t walk off. Tension runs through her body and he watches the ripple of tendons on her arms as she clenches and relaxes her hands. She’s caught by the intensity of her feelings and thoughts and he can read it in every inch of her body.

“Don’t make me do it,” she says. Her voice is quiet and rough and it hurts to listen. “I don’t- I’m _not_ -…”

It’s as close to asking as she can get.

He opens his mouth to respond but Asuka doesn’t give him the chance. She jerks into motion and leaves him alone in the darkened room, going to join the others outside. Kaworu doesn’t follow. He remains curled up on his cot and tries to rest to escape the fear still swirling through him. 

Kaworu wakes hours later without realizing he’d gone to sleep. It’s early evening from the quality of light and he hears a voice that isn’t familiar. That’s strange enough for him to rouse, force himself to the doorway. He doesn’t leave, however. Instead, he stares out and watches the bespeckled boy Toji has in a headlock.

Aida is someone Kaworu knows only by Shinji’s mention. He’s seen the boy once or twice but Aida never made much of a difference in most of the timelines. A side note, a tiny detail, another person to revolve around Shinji like a satellite. Kaworu is pretty sure Aida has been the exact same in every life he has ever lived, but his easy smile seems to be doing wonders for Toji. Even Shinji looks brighter, but his eyes are still edged with great tension. Kaworu wishes he could ease that but he doesn’t know how. Not anymore. If he were stronger, he’d let go and let others heal Shinji, but he isn’t. He isn’t strong at all.

They don’t notice him there, which is a good thing because after a moment, Kaworu realizes Aida isn’t the only newcomer. A more familiar shape stands away from the others, observing quietly. Kaworu feels his heart jolt but he can’t move even as he is flooded with both relief and abject terror in equal measure.

When she looks at him, Rei’s face remains impassive and smooth. She searches his own, reads him as well as he used to read her, then she gives a faint nod of greeting. He can’t return it because while he knows this is Rei, really Rei, all he can feel is the cold clarity of _her_ sinking into his every pore. He can’t move, not even to run or duck for cover.

Something flashes through her gaze, a kind of understanding. Rei starts towards him and he flinches back a step as his body jolts with adrenaline. It doesn’t deter her and though she doesn’t reach for him, she doesn’t shy from his space either. Rei drives him back into the house, ignoring the way he stumbles over his feet in an effort not to touch her. She plants herself in the doorway.

“You’re different,” she says without accusation or curiosity. A stated fact, understood and undisputed. After a moment, she adds almost as an afterthought, “So am I.”

He doesn’t know what she means but he’s concentrating on trying to get his heart to stop pounding. He can’t help thinking of _her_ when he looks at Rei even though there is nothing like Lilith in the way Rei stands, perfectly still, or the quiet intelligence in her eyes. There is no fake warmth, no playful smile. He doesn’t know why but Kaworu is suddenly plagued with every memory he has of Rei from every life he has lived. She could be any of them and he has trouble rifling through them to find the _right_ Rei so that he knows, without a doubt, that this is her and not the powerful progenitor seeking him instead. The effort it takes should be embarrassing but he can’t find it in him to feel it. She has the shape Lilith assumes but there is no sign of Lilith he knows to look for.

Rei lifts a hand but goes still when Kaworu flinches. She regards him in silence before slowly extending her hand out towards his face. He’s stuck still with cold terror, just as if _she_ had him again, as if he were wrong, as if Lilith had infected every bit of him, turned him into so much useless _meat_. But Rei’s fingers bypass his face and instead brush along a few feathers. He realizes his wings are unfolded, curling protectively around him. Rei’s eyes flicker to his face with question.

“Lilith,” he says, as if that could explain anything, but she still nods. Somehow, she knows exactly what he means.

“And Adam,” she responds.

It feels like a punch to his gut. He hadn’t thought- he hadn’t _realized_. He remembers Rei on the beach, remembers the way Lilith had worn her body like a suit and shined out of her bright and painful and needing. He remembers how it had sheered into him, but he didn’t think, didn’t notice, that it wasn’t just her he’d taken into himself. He had forgotten completely about Adam and the sheer incredulity of that is staggering.

Kaworu presses his hand over his chest, fingers digging in painfully, but all he can feel is his heart beating wildly under his skin. He had absorbed Lilith’s light and been dragged back to the collective of blurred souls he had come from, only to be expelled from there and left with the damning evidence of his transgressions on his back. He’d never felt the pulse of anything other than her. Had he absorbed Adam as well? Become whole in a body that wouldn’t cause destruction?

He doesn’t know what to feel. He can barely think. He had been so distracted in thinking about _her_ that he’d never spared a thought to _him_ , despite Adam being the irresistible, unyielding goal in his creation. The reason he had descended upon earth. The cause of meeting Shinji.

Rei nudges Kaworu’s hand away from his chest, flattening her own there. A faint warmth soaks through his thin shirt but it’s nothing, nothing in the face of the realization of what he’d done. What he _is_.

Complete. The very idea that he is _complete_ is so startling he can barely breathe. He had given up the notion of it the moment he started his haphazard skipping through lives, chasing after a boy who had no reason for him to be around. It’s… He just…

“Nagisa,” Rei calls, her voice so very soft, and he blinks, aware of the world outside his own head once more. Her other hand is near his face, fingers wet. It’s not much of a surprise that his cheeks are the same. Somehow, he thinks she probably understands even though there is no way she can. She’s not like him, not in the ways this matters to, but she is the closest approximation of kin he has. If anyone _were_ to understand, it would be Rei.

“Uh. Am I interrupting something?”

Kaworu jerks, starting hard, but Rei just turns to regard Toji with the same blandness as she always has. For his part, Toji just lifts a brow and gives her a stubborn look that reminds Kaworu of Asuka. His eyes turn to Kaworu and there is something there. Something almost protective. Questioning. Ready. Kaworu isn’t sure how to interpret it.

“Not that I care what you crazy blonds get up to,” Toji mutters, shrugging as if he doesn’t care about anything even though it’s obvious he does, “but Misato’s talking about putting together dinner and you vampires could use some sun.”

It’s about as subtle as Toji’s ever been, which is not at all. Some of the tension in Kaworu’s chest unwinds a little. Rei doesn’t bother responding to him. She just starts back through the doorway.

Before she can get far, Kaworu’s hand snakes out of its own volition and clamps down on her wrist. She stills and Toji’s looking at him like he’s gone nuts, but Kaworu can’t make himself let go. His fingers tighten until he can feel the fragile bones of her wrist grinding under them.

“Nagisa, let go,” Rei says quietly. He can’t answer her. His jaw refuses to move. He can’t even look at her.

Kaworu realizes what’s happening but he can’t warn her. He can’t warn anyone. He’s trapped. Stuck.

When his head lifts, he has nothing to do with it. His eyes focus on her face and his lips curl into an alien smile.

“Found you,” he says, voice light and sing-song.

Then Toji decks him before Lilith can throw up a shield. Kaworu hits the ground with a faint grunt as Toji rips Rei away and shoves her back through the door. He howls for the others even as he leaps onto Kaworu and throws another punch. It doesn’t hit. The air around Kaworu’s face solidifies and reflects before the AT field spreads to throw Toji off him. It repels Asuka next even as Lilith pulls Kaworu’s body off the ground and to his feet.

Her amusement ripples through his entire body, the gleeful knowledge that they can do nothing. Powerless.

Useless.

He can feel his senses fading as she takes more and more from him, pushing him aside. She doesn’t need him anymore and the exquisite ecstasy of her accomplishment bores through him in waves. He feels sleepy, like a haze is overcoming his fear and horror. Kaworu tries to hold on, to fight, but he’s fading in the great storm that is Lilith.

As he sinks deeper into the darkness within himself, Kaworu feels something pulse. It’s weak, heavily clouded, but he reaches for it anyway because it’s the only thing he can sense at all. It’s the only option other than letting himself become absolutely nothing.

The pulse is a life that is small but not actually weak. Sleeping, waiting, but not _weak_ , not the way he is now. He cradles it within his arms even as he begins losing the sense of what he is, who he is. Bits and pieces torn away at the edges by Lilith’s sheer strength of presence. He loses the sense of why he’s even there but the pulse is a stable, anchoring promise.

And then it reaches back for him and he finds himself recoiling before there is an abrupt sense of _wrong, wrong, wrong_. _What are you doing, Kaworu?!_

He doesn’t understand but he’s filled with terror, the idea that he is losing himself even though he doesn’t know what that self even is.

_KAWORU!_

The deafening shout ripples through him and then drums hard against what little he has left, threatening to shatter him further.

_KAWORU!_

He’s thrown in the tide of a word he has no meaning for, spinning in nothingness so very thick that he’s choking in it. Drowning.

It becomes a roar all around him and it’s all he can do to stay together. Then something reaches for him again and he doesn’t have the strength to fight it.

Abruptly, Kaworu jerks back into wakefulness. He stares out of eyes he still has no control of, right into Shinji’s face. The other boy is splayed over him and Kaworu watches, fascinated, as light flickers and bends between them. Shinji’s hands are blistered and burned, the muscles of his arms in stark relief as he tears at the very air between them. His face is pale with tension, but his eyes… His eyes have never seemed so determined.

Kaworu belatedly recognizes him breaking through Lilith’s AT field by hand. It’s already fractured and weakened so far that it can only cover his chest and head, and he feels the strong grips of hands on his arms and wings even though he can’t see who’s holding him down. He hears shouting and Shinji’s own grunts of exertion. He feels the rolling anger of Lilith being denied what she wants and she wants so very _much_. It nearly bowls over him again, almost pushes him away, but then Shinji is screaming his name as he cracks the field an inch, two-

 _Shinji_. _He had nearly forgotten Shinji._

The words begin to filter through and the others are telling Shinji to let go, telling him to give in because he’s going to kill himself at this rate. Humans weren’t meant to fight this way. Weren’t meant to endure this and warp their world so directly. He knows its true but at the same time he can’t stop staring into Shinji’s face and watching him fight for him.

He’s fighting as hard for Kaworu as Kaworu ever fought for him and the realization is so powerful that for a moment, he wrangles control back to scream, _“SHINJI!_ ”

The backlash of Lilith’s anger is immediate and powerful and Kaworu only knows one last moment of clarity.

He sees Shinji rip the field open several inches and Rei reaches over his shoulder and through the hole. He feels her fingers on his forehead.

Then nothing.


	4. Reinvention Of The Self

Kaworu becomes aware instantaneously. He doesn’t know where he is but he’s gotten used to the feeling of being lost in nothingness. At least right now, he has something solid under his feet and his body is whole. He doesn’t know what to think about that.

All around him is an endless sea of nothing, colorless and shapeless, and even the solidity under him has no form. He glances down his body but nothing is missing or wrong.

“I don’t recognize you anymore.”

Kaworu stiffens and turns quickly. Behind him stands himself, but Kaworu knows immediately that this is not so. The illusion wearing his shape is nothing like him. It stares at him, eyes without guile and mouth curving in a meaningless smile.

“Strange. I used to,” it continues but it doesn’t sound bothered in the least.

“Who-” but Kaworu knows who this is. He knows it with a sudden surety that has him reeling. The double only smiles as pleasantly as ever.

“I don’t think there’s any of me left in you,” Tabris says. He doesn’t really care, though, that much is obvious.

“I haven’t changed that much,” Kaworu defends but he has. Tabris doesn’t call him on the lie. Tabris does not care.

“Is it sweet?” Tabris asks almost wistfully. “The fear and uncertainty?”

“It’s terrible,” Kaworu murmurs.

Tabris only smiles wider. “Perhaps. It’s quite the gift Shinji has given us.”

Kaworu tenses with affront but there’s no point in being angry, not against this past version of himself. _Tabris does not care_. He doesn’t have it in him to. Having a human body had been a novelty to him, a curiosity. Even Shinji was the same, but he had been just interesting enough that Tabris wanted more of him. Kaworu barely remembers why. Tabris had told Shinji that he liked him without even understanding what that meant, but Kaworu had fought and died and hurt to make those words actually reach Shinji.

“You could forget it all,” Tabris points out, his voice mild and light. “Stop fighting. It’s been painful, right? You could stop this right now.”

He holds out his hand, welcoming him to take up the choice. But there is no choice and both of them know it. Kaworu can’t go back to what he had once been.

“‘I think I may have been born just to meet you,’” he whispers and Tabris’ hand drops as he recognizes the words.

“That’s it then?” Tabris asks. Kaworu nods, not trusting his voice any longer. He doesn’t know what to expect, but Tabris just continues to smile. He tucks his hands into the pockets of his slacks. “I suppose if you take him, that’s good enough.”

Kaworu frowns with confusion before he realizes Tabris isn’t looking at him anymore. He glances back to see Rei not far behind. Somehow, he’s not that surprised that she’s come for him.

“Ikari is waiting,” Rei says quietly and Tabris lets out a quiet chuckle.

“How interesting that such a fragile soul draws us like this,” he muses. “There was never anything special about him. Nothing that would delineate him from the rest of his species except chance. Not really. But somehow… none of us can really let him go, can we?”

“Shinji is…” Kaworu barely has the words to describe what Shinji is to him. Maybe Shinji isn’t that special when one thinks about the human race as a whole, the way they survive everything thrown at them and thrive under the worst of adversity, but he was the one that made Kaworu want to _live_. Want to have a life and make his own choices, use the gift he had been born to. Shinji made all the difference to him.

“Ikari is the legacy that the commander left behind,” Rei murmurs. Both Tabris and Kaworu look to her but she has nothing to show them, no greater sense of what her words mean from her face alone. In her hands is a pair of cracked glasses. “I will always protect him.”

Tabris smiles wider. “Is Ikari Gendo the one _you_ can’t let go of?”

“He is the most important person to me,” Rei says simply as she cradles the glasses like an item of far more precious worth. “He is the reason for my being and I will treasure him, regardless of his betrayals of my trust. I will treasure Ikari for similar reasons.”

“Surprisingly sentimental,” Tabris teases gently but Rei doesn’t seem to mind. Shaking his head a little, Tabris turns his gaze upward to stare into the nothingness. “Can you hear him?”

Rei nods. “Ikari is calling.”

But when Kaworu strains his senses, he hears nothing. A cool fear rolls through his chest. What if the one Shinji’s calling for isn’t him? He turns to the uncaring and perpetually smiling angel but Tabris is finished with him now. Kaworu can feel nothing of him left inside.

“It’s time to decide,” Rei says, startling him. She searches his face, her eyes boring into him as if she can read every thought he has. “Are you going to live?”

“Are you going to stand on your own two feet?” Tabris adds softly.

“It’s time to choose your own path.”

“Your own self.”

“Your own choice.”

Kaworu looks away from both of them. He lifts his hands and stares at them as he works through their words, their meanings. The fear is still so very strong in him but what he wants…

“I want to live,” he whispers.

“For Shinji?” Tabris asks and though it is not admonishing, it feels it.

Kaworu swallows. In part, yes, but… He just wants to live. He wants to really, truly live. He wants to believe in a future for himself. He wants to grow up and discover everything a human life can give him. He wants to sleep under the stars and swim in their lake and pull weeds in their garden. He wants to learn and fail and try again.

“For me,” he says at last.

Tabris smiles. Rei nods. Shinji’s voice cuts through the nothingness and Kaworu lets it guide him. He reaches out and familiar fingers clasp onto his own to drag him back out.

He opens his eyes and finds himself within a growth tube, surrounded by breathable nourishment liquid. Kaworu looks around but he feels sluggish and heavy, as if the weight of the entire world was pulling on his limbs. Beyond the tube is nebulous and unreal, ever changing in a swirl of color that has no name. He doesn’t understand.

Before him, outside the tube, stands Shinji. He’s looking at Kaworu as if he’s never seen him before. Like they’re meeting for the first time. He looks young and vulnerable. Kaworu presses his hands to the glass and, after a moment, Shinji moves to do the same.

The first touch is like a bomb going off. Images and feelings and memories flood Kaworu’s mind and he jerks back from them, hands going to his neck to make sure his head is still attached. He’s trembling with fear even though he hadn’t been afraid then. He hadn’t known what fear really was.

“Show me,” Shinji says and Kaworu looks up at him. Shinji’s face is pale, splashed with not-color from the glow of the tube. His eyes are impossibly wide. “Please. Please don’t keep hiding everything from me. I want to know.”

Kaworu’s at a loss. He didn’t want Shinji to see, to know the desperate way he’d followed him time and time again. The way he couldn’t let go. But he’s never been able to deny Shinji anything. Tentatively, he reaches out and presses his hand back to the glass.

The torrent is less startling this time. Together, they watch the first life and Kaworu feels brushes of Shinji’s reactions, his hurt and anger and devastation. The second life surprises him and then the third. By the fourth, Kaworu senses a realization come over Shinji and he hates himself for doing this, for placing this knowledge on Shinji’s shoulders with everything else that’s ever been stacked there.

They watch life after life after endless life. And at the end of it, when everything has become clear between them, Shinji draws back a step. His expression is confused, a mix of horror and understanding, yet not understanding at all.

“Why?” he asks. His voice sounds rough, overused even though he hasn’t said anything in the hours the transference seems to have taken.

“Because I like you,” Kaworu murmurs and he is stunned by both his sincerity and the repetition of familiar words. A ripple of tension rolls through Shinji as he remembers the same.

“You should have let me go,” Shinji tells him and it hurts to hear. “You should have… have let go and just… Not this. Not for _me_.”

And suddenly the pain subsides. Not a rejection, just… Kaworu smiles at the broken, stunningly fragile boy before him. The boy who had rewritten the world. The boy who did impossible things. The boy who had saved him when he didn’t know he needed saving.

“Shinji,” Kaworu says so softly as he leans his forehead to the glass, wishing he could be closer. So much closer. “I want to live with you for the rest of our lives.”

A soft sound escapes Shinji, filled with anguish and longing.

“I want to grow up with you. Grow old with you.” He’s smiling so wide that his face hurts. “I want to be with you. I don’t care where. But I won’t live _for_ you any longer.”

When he opens his eyes, Shinji looks stricken. He wishes he could soothe the broken lines in Shinji, but he can’t. He can only protect that fragile heart.

“You deserve a real person by your side,” he explains gently. “And I want to _be_ real.”

Shinji presses his hands quickly to the glass and this time, they sink through until Kaworu can feel warm skin against his palms, fingers twining with his. He lets himself be pulled free and tucks his head against Shinji’s throat, welcoming the arms that twine around him tight.

“I love you,” Shinji chokes out. “ _I love you_.”

Kaworu smiles.

Then he finds himself in a tumble of limbs. The world is a confused rush of pain, yelling, and brightness. He knows all of the voices but the words are warped and tangled. He thinks Misato is yelling near his ear but his eyes are drawn to the hand flattened against his forehead, following up a pale shaft of arm to Rei’s face. Her head is back, eyes wide and unseeing, and Shinji’s got a hand curled in Kaworu’s shirt while the other’s caught Rei’s shoulder. He’s yelling too, _pleading_ , but Rei won’t answer. Can’t answer.

Pain rolls steady through Kaworu’s back, punctuated with sharp stabs that leave him gasping and blinking black from the edge of his vision. He’s still being held down but now he can place people, can recognize Toji and Asuka and Misato and even Aida in there, bewildered but going along with them.

It feels as if his ribs are being dragged out of him, up through his mouth. He cries and gasps as his body jerks under a dozen hands, but he has no more control than he ever has had. He’s going to die, he realizes with stunning clarity. He’s going to be ripped apart just as he’s realizing how much he wants to live.

“Shinji,” he sobs but Shinji’s shouting at Rei and she’s staring at nothing. She’s being drawn in with him.

Something inside Kaworu breaks and his body explodes with fire. He screams with everything he has, his world dwindling into the white hot pain and his own voice. He must have blacked out because a second later, he’s in Toji’s arms, held tight against his chest, with only the residual trembles of phantom pain and aches left over. Aida is swearing lightly under his breath, holding a damp bit of cloth over Kaworu’s forehead.

“‘Follow the pilot,’ I say. ‘Worst’s over,’ I tell myself. ‘What could possibly go wrong,’ I think.” His face turns with a grimace, but he sounds shell-shocked. “‘Nothing’s weirder than turning into pink sludge!’”

“Will you can it already?” Toji grumbles and Aida gives him a dirty look but Toji’s staring over him, uncaring. Kaworu slowly, painfully, follows his gaze. He can just barely see around Aida’s side…

Rei is collapsed across Shinji’s knees, limp in his arms as Misato checks over her. She looks exhausted but her eyes are open and she’s answering whatever Misato’s saying. Asuka stands above them, watchful, but she glances his way and meets Kaworu’s eyes. There’s relief in her gaze, mixed with tension and wariness. But she nods to him, acknowledging him, before turning back to Rei.

“Okay, lets sit him up,” Aida says and Toji obliges. Kaworu isn’t sure why his body hurts like this, aches so deep inside. He hisses faintly at the movement but Toji’s arm is steady against his back, holding him up when Kaworu’s strength falters. Kaworu’s barely aware of what Aida is doing, only noting a touch to the back of his neck, his cheeks, the pulse of his throat. He stays still and stares into the tiny flashlight Aida shines in his eyes one at a time.

“Can you tell me your name?” Aida asks and Kaworu has trouble paying much attention to his voice.

“Tabris,” he says and both of them stare at him for the few seconds it takes Kaworu to realize what he’s just said. “Nagisa Kaworu.”

“You sure about that?” Toji asks, brows furrowed tight. “Because I really, really don’t want to… Well, just- Kaworu, buddy, level with me.”

“It’s all right.” Kaworu feels like he might fall apart if he tries to stand on his own, but… “I’m me. I…”

It hits him abruptly that he doesn’t feel Lilith at all. He can’t even feel the ghost of her. And then he realizes that Toji’s arm is pressed across his shoulder blades, right over where his wings sprouted. There’s nothing impeding him. There’s no feeling of great weight. Kaworu twists his head around.

“No wings,” he whispers and he doesn’t know if he’s relieved or horrified.

“Yeah, they kind of up and disappeared when Ayanami grabbed you,” Aida says but Kaworu’s not listening.

No wings. No Lilith. _Where did she go?_ He feels cold clarity thrum through him. Kaworu fights Toji’s hold, ignoring the way both of them are telling him to calm down. He needs to know, needs to feel it-

“Please, I need to-” he tries but he doesn’t know how to explain it. He reaches out towards Rei, hand shaking with the effort. A second later, he’s off the ground and Toji is carrying him towards her. Kaworu feels a burst of affection for him even as Shinji jerks his head up and stares at both of them, pale and worried. The second Toji’s knelt down again, Kaworu catches Rei’s limp wrist and searches.

Nothing. He can’t even feel the sleepy hum of something dormant within her. She looks at him and he knows she understands what he’s looking for.

“They’re gone,” Rei says quietly and for how weak her voice is, the words sink into him as if they had the weight of the world. “I released them.”

Kaworu sags boneless against Toji. Gone. _Gone_. And they were all still alive and themselves. Still alive…

He starts to believe everything might be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to wrap things up left. :)


	5. Accepting a New Paradigm

The night is cool and quiet. Kaworu was already used to spending part of it out by the lake, watching the stars tinkle above until they faded into dawn. It feels different this time. He stands at the edge of the shore, letting the water lick at his toes and feeling the cool night breeze against his skin.

Kaworu has never felt so very _alive_ before. He feels like he’s actually whole and real instead of living inside someone else’s skin. His body is his, free and clear. He is the only one who can dictate his own destiny. Free will in the truest sense of the words.

It’s marvelous. It’s terrifying. He wouldn’t give it up for the world.

Tabris was the angel of free will, but he’d used it only once and even then, it had been merely choosing the method of his own destruction, not the fact of it. Kaworu has fought countless lifetimes for what he wanted and now… Now, after everything, he doesn’t quite know how to handle the fact that he doesn’t have to fight anymore. He is free to do what he wishes. The obvious, staying with Shinji, is entirely attainable but doesn’t mean he can’t want something else as well. He just doesn’t know what that might be.

Having a future, just for himself, feels heavy. He revels in the weight of it. _This_ is what being alive is like. _This_ is what makes him human. He’s unsure and scared but he can’t help grinning as his heart pounds. This makes everything worth it. 

“Nagisa. You can’t sleep?”

He’s startled but even that can’t take the smile off his face. Kaworu just turns and beckons Rei to join him. She glances over his face, impassive herself, and then looks out over the lake.

“I keep thinking I might wake up,” Kaworu says. He’s been vibrating with energy for days now, barely able to settle at all, much less actually sleep. He’s afraid he might wake up and everything have been a dream. Might wake up back in his bunk at NERV-

“You won’t.” Rei clasps her hands behind her back. “I haven’t.”

Kaworu pauses. He glances at her then, reading the calm in her body, the lack of cues whatsoever, but somehow, he can read more. She’s been just as worried as he has that it might happen. He feels a flash of embarrassed guilt for not thinking she might.

“It’s just new, not having to think about it,” he murmurs and she nods, just barely.

“She said they had no reason to come back again.” Rei looks to him, her gaze as piercing and direct as ever. “They have Adam now, and it isn't as if we're important to them.”

He can’t help but wonder about that, now. Wonder if they can trust this resolution. Kaworu remembers the way he used to think once, when he was one of them. He had not been truly sentient then, more a tiny piece of a larger whole than anything else. He had bowed to the will of more powerful voices until the one moment when a human boy became the most powerful one he knew. A human body, individual and small, had given him what he needed to become something on his own.

But the Angels had all their pieces now. They’d already repudiated him once and Lilith certainly hadn’t wanted him longer than she had to. They were as complete as they would ever be... Gods, even....

“How did you do it?” he asks because Rei has said nothing of it since separating Lilith and Adam from him and the others were hesitant to ask. They’ve been so very careful around the two of them.

Rei looks at him long and hard before she shrugs a shoulder inelegantly. “You contained them inside yourself. Locked away their destructive potential to burn out within yourself. I let them out. They wanted to leave, but you were holding on too tightly.”

“Me?”

She inclines her head. “You were too human to truly contain them. Even changing your body didn’t make it more welcoming to her, but then you wouldn’t let them escape. They needed someone else to.”

He thinks about this, wondering what to feel, how to get past the strange sucker punch feeling that he had been _too human_. He hadn’t felt human, not with the wings on his back and the knowledge of what he had come from, but Rei has no reason to lie. No notion to do so.

“But you were able to let them go.”

“I’ve never cared if I was human or not,” Rei reminds him, almost gently and it’s not really the answer to the question he asked, but he feels strangely like it’s the answer he needed.

“You are,” he tells her.

“Thank you,” Rei replies as if he’s said something meaningless. He’s not sure she will ever believe him but he would know, wouldn't he? If she were anything but the unassuming young girl she looks to be, he would sense some otherworldliness from her. He simply cannot accept that they are any different from one another.

They enjoy the night a while longer before Rei murmurs, “I wonder if Ikari could have held them.”

And now Kaworu wonders, too. Shinji's potential is unmatched and unknowable. No outside obstruction had ever truly beaten him and he had risen to every challenge to carve out the one path that didn't lead to true annihilation. Had Kaworu been overtaken in those moments on the beach months ago, would Shinji have been able to absorb Lilith and Adam and hold them within himself the way Kaworu had not quite succeeded in doing...?

There is a strange faith in Kaworu that sings sweetly in his ears that Shinji could and would have.

“Well, it's over now.” He glanced back up to the sky. “It's really over.”

“Perhaps.” She sighs, closing her eyes a moment, and then takes in a deep breath of cool, night air. “Even if it weren't, we would continue on the same path.”

He can't help chuckling faintly at that. “Maybe I just want to hope for the best.”

“Admirable.”

A sudden exhaustion settles into his bones. Rei doesn’t seem surprised when he heads back inside, only steps along behind him to find her own bed between Asuka and Misato. Kaworu drops along Shinji’s side. Sleepy brown eyes slide open as Shinji reaches out, catching his hand.

“You okay?” he whispers with a drowsy drawl to his voice.

“Fine. Go back to sleep.” Kaworu smoothes back a bit of messy hair from Shinji’s forehead and soothes him back to rest. He doesn’t tarry long from it himself.

It’s been three weeks since the Angels faded away when someone from the other camp arrives. He’s nervy and sheepish but Misato recognizes him as trustworthy enough to invite to their meal. He’s NERV personnel, as little as that means anymore, so the children watch him carefully even as Misato jokes and teases.

When they’re done eating, he offers them a place back in the other camp. All of them. His eyes linger on Kaworu but there are no wings to object to anymore. It’s silly but Kaworu still makes sure to stare right back at him, challenging him to find some other reason to reject him.

The other camp has had the benefit of dozens of adults, many with knowledge of all the things for a civilized life. They’ve built a city out of ruins, even gotten running water and other basics set up once more. The hundred or so their small group had left numbered nearly a thousand now and were still growing with every day. Humanity would retake the planet, little by little.

Kaworu has no interest in going back but he knows the others have faced fierce loneliness being so separated from what they had once known. Humans are pack animals, meant to be together, and their group is unique but not immune to that same need. He glances at the others, reading their warring independence and loneliness. And then he watches as one by one, they all look to Shinji. Even Asuka and Toji, headstrong as they are, simply wait to see what he will say.

If Shinji notices, he doesn’t make it known. He stares at his hands, thinking it over himself, and then he asks quiet, “Did my father ask you to come?”

“The Commander hasn’t come back. We… don’t think he will. There are reports… well…”

“He won’t,” Rei says with a strange finality that has them all quieted.

Shinji takes in a slow, unsteady breath. Kaworu wishes he knew what that meant. He reaches out, takes one of Shinji’s hands in his, and gives it a faint squeeze. Shinji graces him with a faint, uneasy smile.

“…I guess it can’t hurt to check it out?” he murmurs.

Asuka shrugs, relaxing as the tension breaks. “Plumbing isn’t overrated, you know.”

“What are you implying?” Toji shoots back at her without meeting a beat.

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe that you smell like a monkey instead of just acting like one!”

“Hey! I clean up!”

Aida’s caught between trying to break up the fight and laughing but Kaworu’s attention slides back to Shinji. He watches amusement break up the flood of insecurity on his face as Shinji latches onto the distraction. Kaworu’s pretty sure that was Asuka’s aim the entire time.

It isn't until later that Shinji pulls him aside and asks bluntly, “Are you okay just going back to them?”

Kaworu had hoped no one would ask him. He doesn't really want to lie but... He still remembers the beating, how no one but the other pilots bothered to stop it. He remembers suspicious eyes following his every move. He remembers the knowledge of why they moved to the lake in the first place. No, he isn't okay with it.

“I'm fine,” he says instead.

“Really?” Shinji searches his face as his own brows furrow tight. “Because I'm not.”

Kaworu feels himself tense. “Shinji-”

“I don't want to go back,” Shinji insists, cutting off any reassurance Kaworu might have uttered. “Going back means having to throw myself into that... that ocean of people and expectations and... I don't want it, but isn't it better to? Maybe because I don't want to.”

With a blink, Kaworu begins to understand. “Facing things like this allows you to grow." 

“It's better to try than to run away.” Shinji turns away, gripping his arms tight. “I won't run away... but I won't tell you that you can't.”

And, Kaworu senses, he wouldn't vilify him if he did. He thinks about that, the nature of what he is now and what his choices mean, because it _is_ his choice. He's free to make it and Shinji is giving him full autonomy in a way few have ever allowed to himself, much less to Kaworu.

“If I didn't want to return...” Kaworu begins but he isn't sure what, exactly, he's asking for. He shakes his head and slides his hands into his pockets. Maybe it's best not to start his true life running from the unpleasant. “ Lets go, for now. If it's awful, we can just leave again.”

Shinji smiles as the defensiveness in his body drains away. “Yeah... Lets go with that.”

The other camp is large and unwieldy and unfamiliar, and eyes follow their shapes through the uneven paths where ever they go, but as long as Shinji's hand is in his, Kaworu doesn't mind.

Tabris was the angel of Free Will.

Kaworu is the one that uses it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end of the Free Will series, as far as I'm planning. Thank you so much for sticking along with me this far. your feedback and support are why this story is finished. I've had a blast with this world and who knows? Maybe I'll come back to it sometime.


End file.
